I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
