we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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