Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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