Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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