At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
