Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Houston, we have a squirter
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
