cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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