her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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