So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
