I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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