Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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