The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
