i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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