I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
