He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
