Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
