Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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