I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize