nutella sex= disaster
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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