I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
