Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
