Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
