Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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