They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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