Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
