im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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