My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize