He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i dont even know how to be here
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
