Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
