I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
