Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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