I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
