I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
