I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
