Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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