Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
