yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
