i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
