Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
