is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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