i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I'm really busy with my period
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