Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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