Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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