I hate your face
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize