so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
