it hurts more in the daytime
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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