I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
