I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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