Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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