How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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