So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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