why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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