The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
