Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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